After
the threat, she resigned… probably hoping to get it over with... that the rest would be painless. Through the
blackness of it all, I would remember the scene in detail, and try as I might
to block it out, it would come back in waking dreams for the rest of my
life. Worse than nightmares, waking dreams haunt like ghosts triggered by a
tune on the radio or an odor from the swamps: a hot, humid, stillness that even
birds won’t fly through…. Or worse, they fly at one’s conscious mind like bats from
a cave.
“Hey,
Kenny, you didn’t get laid yet. You want some of this?” I passed another beer
up from the open twelve-pack.
“Yeh,
uh, okay… sure,” He nodded. He was reluctant and, beyond any other motive,
as likely compelled by no reason other than to just go along with
us. It bugged me that he might have still had some decency left in him.
Ted
steered us onto a trail off the side of the road and into some woods. He stayed in the car and watched as Kenny laid out a beach towel and I tugged Daphne by
the arm out of the car and she followed docile as I commanded, “Lay down!”
Eyes
pleading, she hesitated. I jerked her down onto the towel where she laid
motionless. And, yes, I took her. Took her? That’s a mild way of saying, I
raped her. I raped her fucking soul! To describe it in any terms more specific
than that is to further defile her, and I can’t do that again. I tried to
convince myself, she’s a snitch and deserves anything we do, but Daphne’s eyes
stared out through me into a void… a nothingness… as though she was already a
corpse.
Kenny took his turn but, to his credit, he went limp right away. I was
disgusted, why would he want to be decent with her? What was he afraid of? Was
he judging me? We went back to the car… she wanted to stay, but I yanked her to
her feet and insisted, “Get in the car,” The first pang of guilt struck, “we
aren’t going to hurt you anymore.”
In
the shadows of the scrub pine, a cougar turned away.
On
the way inland to Crestview, Kenny asked, “What are you gonna do with her, Max?”
“I
don’t know. We can’t just drop her off on some street corner, Can we?”
Ted
glanced back at me through the rearview mirror, ran a forefinger across his neck
and raised his eyebrows.
Kenny
shouted, “Fuck no! We can’t do that. I ain’t havin’ no part in it. We don’t need
to. It’s her word against ours; right, Max?”
Ted
was calm, “It’s okay Kenny. You’re right. They never prosecute for rape around here.
They might charge us for it… at the worst. Let’s just sell the rest of our crap
and go. I’d be more bothered by her brothers than the law.”
I
felt some relief that we weren’t going to make things a hundred times worse. That's all it took… that one objection and one calm voice.
She
was still; eyes glazed, unflinching; body as dead, and unmoving, when we came to
a stop in the middle of town. I got out, opened the door for her, and took her
hand. She jerked it back and stood, stone-faced, with her eyes fixed on mine. More guilt washed over me like a tidal wave. It was raging at me, if
only… if only I hadn’t… We stood facing each other for what seemed an eternity…
the words came out of my mouth, but I knew how stupid, futile, and useless, they
were as I spoke, “I’m sorry.”
She
turned robotically, and walked away.
No
one said a word as we drove off.
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